How to Get an Asian Girlfriend
for Valentine's Day

with special photo images and graphics by Jeff Ng

Actually, I have no idea either.  I’m still working on it, when I get one I’ll let you know. Until then, I think I have a pretty good idea to help you get that dose of medicine to cure your yellow fever. And like all good things, it miraculously comes in five steps again.

1) Pocky

Chances are, your soon to be Asian girlfriend has no idea what a real box of chocolates looks like. So you gotta strike first and strike hard with something that’s been dear to her heart since she was a kid. And I guarantee you if she grew up anywhere in the New York City area, you’re hitting her in a soft spot. (No, not that one, yet.)

2)  Straw Flowers

As far as I know, Asian girls don’t like real flowers, based on a survey of one person. Plus, nothing screams Asian more than these flowers: doesn’t cost that much and requires painstaking amounts of work to assemble them. I’ve tried assembling them myself and it’s actually not that bad. I’ll detail them in this easy-to-follow step by step instruction guide that I stole from online somewhere.*1

Step 1: Purchase special straws

Step 2: Take a straw and bend it at a 45^o angle

Step 3: Make a perfect right angle with another fold

Step 4: Using the two ends of the straw as an x-y axis, graph the equation of the flowers you’re going to make. Take a derivative. Normalize the function to an eigenfunction Ĥφ = Eφ. Get this:

Step 5: Fold the flowers like 75 bazillion times upon itself.

Step 6: Take a few shots of Soju, smoke a cigarette, rip your hair out

 Clearly the look of sheer frustration

Step 7: Voilá

3) Write a Love Letter

It doesn’t really matter what you write at this point.  Everyone knows all romantic mush is the same romantic dribble, so capitalize on this fact. All that really matters is the stationary is some cutesy Asian stationary with Blue Bear or Moshimaro on it. Here’s what I’d write to my dream girl.

4) Dancing (Dancing Revolution)

Nothing screams romantic like dancing with your girl. And if you’re anything like me, your feet are homing missiles for your partner’s feet. So what’s an Asian guy like myself to do? Thankfully, the Japanese created the overly romantic and cardiovascular game, DDR a few years ago. In fact, your new girlfriend is probably already a pro at the game (all short Asian girls are) and you’re not gonna get into her pants unless you’re at least better than her, preferably able to beat Max 300, 1.5x, Reverse, Flat note. 

5)  Serenade

Every girl is easily swooned by music, you know that as well as I do. But Asian girls are a special breed who have not grown up to classical guitars. Instead, they have been forced, unsuccessfully, by their parents to memorize Bach’s Concertos classics for novice Asian violinist Vol. 1. Given that, just play an overly complex piece on the violin, and she’ll be putty in your hands. 

Mad easy right?

Well, looking forward to all of your success stories to come.  Hey who knows, maybe I’ll even have an Asian girlfriend this Valentine’s Day by following my own advice.

* 1 http://members.tripod.com/star_luck/straw/index.html